So how do we help our suffering friends toward faith and hope without putting pressure on them to act happy? Cliches and platitudes almost always put pressure on people. Instead what we want to do is help our friends find Jesus, who takes all the pressure on Himself, and who comes as our Rescuer.
Jesus promises that He is "near to the brokenhearted" (Ps. 34:18). When we're suffering we have an ability to connect with Jesus that's more intimate and tangible than at other times. He knows better than anyone what it feels like to have a desperate prayer rejected (Matt. 26:39). People who are suffering feel betrayed and forgotten by God. Jesus knows what that feels like too (Matt. 27:46). He agonized, wept, and questioned God. When we're trying to help people who are suffering, we must be very careful that we don't speak the kind of religious platitudes that will actually keep people from being able to identify and relate with Jesus.
Here's the real kicker: where Jesus suffered perfectly, none of us will. We will inevitably fail. In that sense, Jesus is NOT our example. We're NOT supposed to try to live up to the standard that He set for us. That's why He is our Savior, not just our teacher or mentor. Since He suffered infinitely, He can relate with us perfectly. But Jesus is the only One who is faithful all the way to end. At many times and in many ways we all falter. But as we rely on His faithfulness to us in times of suffering, He will make us faithful. If we try to encourage people who are suffering to be strong on their own strength, or even for the sake of their loved ones, those motives will fail them. The only way to strength is to find it in Jesus -- who is strong for us when we are at our weakest (2 Cor. 12:9).
Couple more tips:
- When in doubt, just listen. We can't mess up by just being there and being a friend. Problems develop when our insecurities rise. Their pain makes us uncomfortable and we want to fix it. But it's best to release ourselves from the pressure to say something that's helpful. Just being there is HUGE. Remember, Job's friends did great until they opened their mouths!
- Be encouraging and normal. If we're trying too hard to help people with their discouragement, it increases the likelihood that we'll say stuff that isn't helpful. Talk about the baseball game, the kids, the weather, whatever. People who are suffering don't want their suffering to be the only thing about their life. It's really refreshing for them to feel connected to normal life (even if it's just vicariously).
