So how do we help our suffering friends toward faith and hope without putting pressure on them to act happy? Cliches and platitudes almost always put pressure on people. Instead what we want to do is help our friends find Jesus, who takes all the pressure on Himself, and who comes as our Rescuer.
Jesus promises that He is "near to the brokenhearted" (Ps. 34:18). When we're suffering we have an ability to connect with Jesus that's more intimate and tangible than at other times. He knows better than anyone what it feels like to have a desperate prayer rejected (Matt. 26:39). People who are suffering feel betrayed and forgotten by God. Jesus knows what that feels like too (Matt. 27:46). He agonized, wept, and questioned God. When we're trying to help people who are suffering, we must be very careful that we don't speak the kind of religious platitudes that will actually keep people from being able to identify and relate with Jesus.
Here's the real kicker: where Jesus suffered perfectly, none of us will. We will inevitably fail. In that sense, Jesus is NOT our example. We're NOT supposed to try to live up to the standard that He set for us. That's why He is our Savior, not just our teacher or mentor. Since He suffered infinitely, He can relate with us perfectly. But Jesus is the only One who is faithful all the way to end. At many times and in many ways we all falter. But as we rely on His faithfulness to us in times of suffering, He will make us faithful. If we try to encourage people who are suffering to be strong on their own strength, or even for the sake of their loved ones, those motives will fail them. The only way to strength is to find it in Jesus -- who is strong for us when we are at our weakest (2 Cor. 12:9).
Couple more tips:
- When in doubt, just listen. We can't mess up by just being there and being a friend. Problems develop when our insecurities rise. Their pain makes us uncomfortable and we want to fix it. But it's best to release ourselves from the pressure to say something that's helpful. Just being there is HUGE. Remember, Job's friends did great until they opened their mouths!
- Be encouraging and normal. If we're trying too hard to help people with their discouragement, it increases the likelihood that we'll say stuff that isn't helpful. Talk about the baseball game, the kids, the weather, whatever. People who are suffering don't want their suffering to be the only thing about their life. It's really refreshing for them to feel connected to normal life (even if it's just vicariously).
1 comments:
Very good thoughts and suggestions!
As a full-time grief counselor, may I add a couple of things that I find helpful in working with people who have lost a loved one? One is to give voice to the things people don't always know, or can't always admit, they are feeling. If I'm sensing something people are not saying, I will ask questions like, are you angry at your husband for dying and leaving you? or, are you relieved that this is all over? If they say no, I move on; if they say yes, they are usually relieved and glad to know that someone understands even the "bad" feelings. (Which brings up another point: there is no place for judgment here!)
Second thing is to let people know that the things they are feeling are things normal people feel in similar situations. 85% of what I do is educate people about grief, and let them know that what they are feeling is typical of what people feel when they are grieving. Grief is a huge shock to the system, and people experience all kinds of things -- not just tears, but anger, restlessness, panic, confusion and even physical symptoms. When I say, grief feels like that, it helps.
And I'd like to underscore your point about listening. Truly and deeply listening to someone is so rare and so huge! Sometimes all we can do is be willing to be an engaged witness to what people are going through and feeling, and often that is enough. It's more than just "you are not alone in this." Even just acknowledging for people the magnitude of what they are going through: no, you are not a wimp, this circumstance is really overwhelming!, can make a huge difference.
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