A Bit of My Story

I was brought up in a Christian home and came to know the Lord at an early age. My first concept of God was as this really huge, powerful person that could balance the whole world on His pinky-finger if He wanted to. I didn’t have much concept of Him being involved in my life, except that I knew He didn’t want me to do bad things.

I first became aware of God’s desire to relate with me personally (and even use me in His Kingdom) as I grew up in a small Pentecostal church in Southern California. I remember sitting on the gritty floor of a cabin at our church summer camp with a group of awkward teenage boys as our (not much older) youth pastor prayed for each of us to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I was amazed to experience what was called “speaking in tongues”—praying to God in a language I had never learned. Not knowing how little I knew about leadership or life in God’s Kingdom, I entered high school ready to turn the world upside-down for Jesus.

Despite my enthusiasm, in those early days of pursuing the Lord, there were seeds in my heart that would one day grow into a threatening menace to my spiritual life. These were the seeds of legalism. As I grew older, the excitement of that summer camp experience faded, and in its place grew a religious set of do’s and don’ts. Where I once was exuberant about what God had done for me, my “faith” became a religious exercise of things I did for Him (to prove that I was “good”). This effort left me spiritually dry and worn out.

In college, frustrated and weary of my “holy” life, I decided to give it a break and have “fun” like everyone else. Five years later, I was depressed, lonely, and frustrated with life. Everything felt empty. Friendships were shallow, church felt hypocritical, family was distant, and my only thought about God was fear of His punishment. Suicide was an almost daily thought as a possible solution to my pain.

In 1998 I began attending The Coastlands. I didn’t like it at first because people were too happy and intrusive. They’d ask lots of questions and “pretend to care” (as I thought at the time). It drove me nuts, but I was really lonely (I’d recently moved to town) so I kept coming back. As people proved their love by consistently pursuing me, my heart began to melt and I began to feel God’s love for me through their kind words.

In those dark years of not walking with Jesus, I had let go of the belief that God could deliver any of the beauty and fulfillment that I longed for. I would often pray something to the effect of, “God, if You are so powerful, why don’t You ever show up and do anything?” After several years of frustration, I sort of gave up. My prayer changed to, “God I’m finished trying to find You, so if You really want me, You come find me.” I believe that God has answered that prayer in my life. But I have to admit, His answer did not resemble anything that I was looking for.

I was hoping He would do something fantastic to shatter the agonizing dreariness that filled my life. I wanted Him to break into my world with a crash of thunder, startling me out of my depression and fixing my world with a rush of power and a flood of emotion. If I was going to serve this God for the rest of my life, I wanted some definite proof that He had some rockin’ power. I wanted to experience something completely out of the ordinary. However, what He did never looked anything like what I expected. What He did was simple and gentle. There was no thunder.

In 1 Kings 19 God shows Himself to Elijah. This passage describes how God created a great wind that tore apart mountains. But God chose not to manifest Himself in that violent wind. In the same way, He created an earthquake and fire, but God was not in either of those. The way in which God chose to speak to Elijah was through a “gentle blowing”—a quiet, peaceful breeze.

This is such a great picture of how God worked in my life. He used little things here and there to heal my broken heart. He used people to come alongside and love me for who I am (and not what I do). He reassured me with promises from His Word. He quietly and gently showed me more of Himself—teaching me about his loving-kindness and mercy. This has been miraculous, but again, nothing like what I expected. Nothing paranormal. Nothing that would interest Siegfried & Roy. Like the miracle of a flower blooming, my healing was quiet.

Since then, I’ve given myself to God and His purposes for my life. Where I once tried to prove I was good enough (by following a long list of rules), God has shown me He’s good enough to cover and forgive all my mistakes. He’s not interested in making me be good (because He’s so disgusted with how bad I am); rather, He wants to make my life good by blessing me beyond anything I could ask or imagine.

My passion for ministry stems from my desire to see people’s lives revitalized and transformed by God’s love as mine has been. Understanding that God isn’t the angry punisher I imagined Him to be and feeling His love for me personally has changed me forever. A huge part of what holds people back from God is misconceptions about what He is like. As many people did for me when I was hurting, I want to pass along the truth of who He is to others. My passion is to help people see the truth, let it transform their lives, and then pass along what they have learned to others.